I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I will pee on everything he values.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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