I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
no, he came in my armpit
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Randomize
