His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
