Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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