Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
