We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
