Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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