Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
