Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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