just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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