We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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