Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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