I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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