people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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