I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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