please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
