yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
