You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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