Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
