We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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