I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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