I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
