My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
