I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
