Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
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