if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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