Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
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