hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
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Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I supernannyed him into submission
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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