The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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