I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
