The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
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He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
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I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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