Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Randomize
