Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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