If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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