She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
