i drank out of a bidet.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
