Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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