onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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