y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
