we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
