just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
