Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
