At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
