i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
