I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
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After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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