Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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