with your own penis?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Randomize
