I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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