is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
