made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
