I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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