it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
