I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
