I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
