I accidentally burped into my bong.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
