I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
