You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
