tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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